>:)

I'm going to try and post art.

“So, what are you doing after graduation?”

I’m at that point of my life where long-term planning sets in. That is, I plan to plan for the long-term. To aid my thought process, I’ve compiled some things I want out of life, versus some things that would be less than desirable.

WANT: success, happiness, security, ripe old age

LESS THAN DESIRABLE: failure, depression, uncertainty, cobras biting my eyeballs

WANT: achievement, love, health, close family ties

LESS THAN DESIRABLE: confusion, despair, doubt, virulent intestinal parasites

WANT: optimism, joviality, kindness, fulfillment

LESS THAN DESIRABLE: loss, frustration, woe, a big guy punching me in the head at random

WANT: fun, peace, novelty, pleasant surprises

LESS THAN DESIRABLE:  apathy, heartbreak, anger, being the last man in a colony of apes and then seeing the statue of liberty in the sand and realizing it was earth all along

But yeah, I don’t know for sure what I’m doing after graduation, and I know a bunch of us hate when you ask. Just assume that I probably won’t be living out of a bunch of shambled-together pizza boxes.

Then again, haven’t decided yet.

-Jay

~5/12/11~

I Could Eat Ice Breakers Sours Until My Stomach Shrivels and Dies

I just bought a pack of Ice Breaker’s Sours. Thus continues my slow demise from artificial sweeteners.

Oh well. #YOLO

I hope that four-letter, oft-hashtagged word never dies out. It rationalizes everything.

Graduation is coming up. There are a lot of people I’m going to miss, but I hope we’ll all keep in touch. By the way, my friend Paige spearheaded an awesome movie about UMBC called “Study Rock Anthem.” You should be watching it right now instead of reading this.

I want money.

-Jay

~5/11/12~

I Could Eat Ice Breakers Sours Until My Stomach Shrivels and Dies

I just bought a pack of Ice Breaker’s Sours. Thus continues my slow demise from artificial sweeteners.

Oh well. #YOLO

I hope that four-letter, oft-hashtagged word never dies out. It rationalizes everything.

Graduation is coming up. There are a lot of people I’m going to miss, but I hope we’ll all keep in touch. By the way, my friend Paige spearheaded an awesome movie about UMBC called “Study Rock Anthem.” You should be watching it right now instead of reading this.

I want money.

-Jay

~5/11/12~

On the Mind

People believe what they believe because they genuinely believe it. No one has an opinion just for the sake of “trolling” you, regardless of how pigheadedly stupid you may find their thinking.

Your opinions are not facts. Facts are still real things, but neither you nor I ever have all of them. Our schemas for the world come first from our parents, with our experiences painting a thin layer over top. And all of it just comes back to brain chemistry, which is almost unchangeable.

But if hard, factual evidence that contradicts your beliefs should arise, for God’s sake, don’t be a stubborn asshole. (Yes, I’m talking to myself, too.)

I hate assumptions, even though I make them. For example, if someone is eating alone in the dining hall, odds are good they have friends somewhere and aren’t emotionally disturbed. They don’t need any sidelong stares. That’s a small example, but such thinking is pervasive in our religion, our politics, our society as a whole. “If someone is by themselves, they must be up to something.”

This note could be a lot longer. But, you know… brevity, and such and such.

-Jay

~3/8/12~

Good things (with an obligatory Valentine’s Day message)

I was just outside talking on the phone, so if my typing errs, forgive me. My hands are still warming up.

But in an hour or so, I’ll be asleep. Sleep feels especially awesome on cold nights. 

In the morning, I’ll get to wake up with the sun. I have an early class, but the sun is hot and bright enough that I have always woken up before my alarm. Something about waking up with the sun on my face makes me feel well-rested.

My hands are warmer now. I’m typing faster.

Tomorrow night, I’ll get to relax, knowing that the thick part of the week is behind me. Thursdays are easy. So are Fridays. And at some point over the weekend, I’ll go to see my family.

Hey! I just remembered that television shows are available online! Maybe I’ll watch just one before going to bed. I love when I realize that I’ve taken something awesome for granted, because then I immediately appreciate it all over again.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

BTW, it sounds like someone is getting whipped with a wet towel outside, complete with Curly’s whoop-whoop sound. I love living next to the dorm courtyard.

-Jay

~2/14/12~

Oh yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day. Maybe I should’ve written about that.

Waiting for the Dryer

I am waiting for my laundry to be done drying. The dryer, in glowing green numbers, says it has nineteen minutes left.

When I was a kid, I really liked white chocolate. In the summer, I skateboarded all the time and had water-gun fights with my friends. I hated going to department stores - unless they had coat racks that I could hide in. I thought my dad was 99 years old and that ATM machines had some guy curled up inside with a handful of dollar bills.

I don’t care for white chocolate any more. I am morbidly afraid of getting on a skateboard, and water gun fights seem like a waste of time. I got a great jacket on the cheap at Burlington coat factory last winter. And in the big scheme of things, my dad isn’t that much older than me.

Eleven minutes. That’s what the glowing green letters now say.

When I was a kid, I had trouble sleeping. I lay awake wondering where I had been before I was born, and I tried to follow my memory back to the time it first started writing stuff down. And because my house was haunted, I slept with a nightlight on and my closet door wide.

Now, I draw the blinds to shut out the streetlight. I sleep facing the wall, to completely remove any stimuli that might keep me awake. And yet I wonder where I am going to go after graduation. How do I get a job that I’ll be good at? Will it be one I enjoy? What if today and tomorrow all start blending together until sleeping is just like blinking?

Now the green letters say one minute is left. That’s about how long I can hold my breath.

-Jay

~2/11/12~

What I’ve Learned (and stuff)

“The trouble with our lives is not that they end too soon, but that we wait so long to begin them.”

Well, in less than a week, I’ll be back in Frederick, Maryland. Soon after, I will be at UMBC, festering away in lecture hall after lecture hall. ”Festering” might be too strong a word. It just sounded good in my head.

I’m leaving Sweden.

Time is crazy. I remember things from three years ago as if they happened yesterday. Actually, anything since 2008 feels like just yesterday. After I graduated high school, the world went into warp drive.

I better put some of these Swedish memories on paper before I blink and find myself at my own funeral. The world is smaller than I ever before imagined. I hope that doesn’t sound like the cliche study-abroad realization, because it is absolutely true. I can’t describe the global sense living in another country for 5 months gives you. You have to live it for yourself.

If a foreigner can’t speak as good of English as you, don’t give him a hard time. Don’t make fun of him behind his back. After being a foreigner for five months, I have a better appreciation of what it’s like to wait on pins and needles for people to realize you don’t belong. I learned what it’s like to have people on the street stare at you when you speak your native language to a friend. At the gym, I’ve held my tongue in tense silence, because I wanted those around me to think that I was just another Swede.

Foreigners, 99% of the time, aren’t in your country to invade or steal jobs. Don’t give them a shitty experience.

Other cultures are different. No matter how “Americanized” certain parts of the world may be, they are still different. Most of the time, I figured it best to keep my mouth shut and focus on watching things.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is one I’m still working on: losing the mentality of “when I grow up”. All my life, I used that phrase to begin sentences filled with grand plans, because I knew that some day I would have all my shit together. Some day, I would get that job, buy that house, write that novel, etc.

“Some day” has started to look a lot like today. I know I’m still in school, and I’m not exactly settling down yet. But the future belongs to those who see it as the present. There was a point over the summer where I doubted if I was going to make it to Sweden. Some paperwork wasn’t going through, and I was having trouble with the Swedish Embassy. I kept my head down and kept working through the insurmountable stress, making progress each day. I reached a point where everything came together. Then it was just a matter of getting on a plane.

When life closes a door on you, it’s time to break a window. I made it to Sweden and had an amazing time. A little over a year ago, I wasn’t sure if I would ever leave the U.S. I envisioned some massive Euro-trip for “when I grow up”. It wasn’t until I realized college was actually, factually going to end soon that I realized I had grown up. There was no better time to start doing grown-up things.

So I went to the top of the leaning tower of Pisa. I saw the Sistine Chapel (“No foto!!”). I went to Amsterdam and saw the Van Gogh paintings I had studied for years in art classes. In Germany, I sampled the local beers and walked around the Alster lake. I spent Christmas with a wonderful Italian family in Milan, and then celebrated New Years on the streets of Stockholm. That’s one end of Europe to the other overnight!

Of course, I’m still planning on that Euro-trip for the future. Because who wouldn’t want to come back?

~January 9, 2012~

Abridged Thoughts on the Human Condition

Hey everybody. How’s it going? It’s finally snowing in Sweden - real snow this time, actually covering everything. And that makes me happy enough to end this sentence with an emoticon :)

It’s good to be back in the warmth of my apartment.

I’ve been thinking about the human condition.

Only the unloved can hate. Of course, I hate when I’m late for class. I hate when I stub my toe. But I’m talking here about the hate that comes up in the face of the homeless, the gay, the biracial. I’m talking about fabricated, unnatural hate. And you don’t have to beat someone with a bat or burn a cross in their yard to hate them. It’s almost always more silent and insidious.

The fact that same-sex marriage is still illegal in any state is a shame. I don’t mean “a shame” in the casual usage, like when your football team doesn’t win the championship. I mean it in the biggest scope of the word. This kind of intolerance will go the way of slavery and denying women suffrage. It’s the exact same kind of oppression, and those who don’t realize it now will realize it later. Because no matter how long it takes, the progressives always win.

Sometimes, those who support the legalization of same-sex marriage are suspected of being gay. But making this assumption illustrates a vast ignorance of how compassion works.

“Oh, but it’s in the Bible!” I’ve heard that argument to justify a ton of things. “It says, in plain English, that a man is not to lie with another man!” This would be a good argument, and I don’t intend to dismiss it with the typical tools of atheism. Because I am not an atheist. But the Bible was edited by men. Whether or not it was handed down from God, men spent whole lifetimes editing it, slicing and dicing out whole sections. So even if the words really are God’s, they were plugged into the bizarre Mad Lib of human interpretation.

Jesus Christ associated with thieves, prostitutes, and scores of people who went against the Ten Commandments. He ate with them. He loved them and forgave them. It’s insane to me that “Christians” justify certain flavors of intolerance because they choose to listen to Leviticus instead of Christ himself.

Man, these paragraphs are too long. I’ll attempt brevity.

1) Abortion is one of the few topics that is literally too complex and heavy for me to have an opinion on. I’m not pro-choice, I’m not pro-life, and these terms are way too simplifying to even foster a debate.

2) A society without religion wouldn’t be any better or worse than a society with religion. Humans define themselves by creating an “other”, an outside group to hate and therefore foster cohesion within their group. This, I believe, has been the real root of all conflicts. It would still exist without religion.

3) World War II was the only war the United States needed to get involved in. There is almost always a solution that doesn’t involve combat. However, an army must be maintained (entirely within the home country, without imperialism), because no one knows what the future holds.

4) Capitalism isn’t evil. With efficient regulation, it is one of the best ways to create jobs and innovation. 

5) However, not everything can be left to the free market. For example, any politician who advocates discontinuing the National Board of Education is a jackass.

6) A lot of the time, those who get freakishly passionate about things are those without talent, hobbies or imagination. I’m not talking about those with passions like ending world hunger or child mortality. I’m talking about parents who want to sue the school cafeteria because they don’t want their child eating Spaghettios.  

7) People who read are usually more interesting than those who actively don’t. If you don’t have favorite books listed on your Facebook, that’s fine. But if that section says something like “hahaha wut r books??” or “readin sux”, odds are you are a boring-ass individual.

8) Adding “-ass” to the end of adjectives increases their descriptive value.

9) If you’re a native English speaker and use “your” for “you are” more than once, I pretty much dismiss what you’re saying. Your opinion on that topic ceases to matter to me.

10) Those who pine for “the good old days” either have bad memories or were children in said days. For example, a lot of big things happened in the nineties, but most of what I remember involves eating Popsicles or falling off my bike.

11) People who talk about “White Pride” and preserving a “safe world for white people” need to get over themselves. These people also say dumbass things like, “If there’s a black history month, how come there’s no white history month?” Holidays all throughout the year are devoted to history, much of which was stolen by white people.

12) Any revolution that effects lasting, fundamental change must be bloodless. As long as there’s blood, there will always be whiplash. Real revolution will only occur when every person looks at one another and says, “Hey, let’s just stop all this bullshit.”

13) If you read all of this and dismiss me as a “liberal”, I hope you would reconsider your choice of word. I think a lot about what I say, because using the old words continues the old ways of thinking. If we never change our tune, the song will always remain the same.

-Jay

~7 December 2011~

Waiting (and Thoughts that Occur to Me)

If I’m waiting for something, there’s a good chance I’ll reach into my pocket to see if I have my iPod. Or my cellphone. Or a small home entertainment system.

Because waiting is boring. Thank goodness for technology.

But recently, I stopped bringing my iPod everywhere. I read somewhere that when it is doing nothing, the brain is most active. By trying to fill the gaps between being entertained, it is capable of enormous creativity. I figured I’d see what my brain was capable of if I left it alone.

As I sat in the laboratory, waiting for my supervisor to be ready to leave, I reached into my pocket. Oh right, I remembered, no iPod. Crap.

I regretted my decision to be unamused.

So I watched the floor and waited for sonnets to form in my mind. The fountains of creativity beckoned! Instead, I found myself wondering what would happen if I drank the nitric acid we had been working with today. How much acid could I drink before anything bad happened? What would that stuff taste like? Could I finish a whole bottle? 

“Could you wait ten more minutes?” my supervisor asked. “I have to run another test.”

“Sure,” I said. That was ten more minutes of creativity. Maybe I would think of something useful or interesting.

I found myself thinking about the heavy metal ash we had been working with. That stuff sure looked like Oreo cookie crumbs. A little bit chalky, a tad grayer, but the similarity was there. What would that stuff taste like on an ice cream sundae?

Dammit, why wasn’t I mentally composing a rock opera? I wished I had my iPod.

I imagined what my supervisor’s reaction would be if I snatched up the tub of cookie crumbs and made a break for the door. I could probably sell the whole tub of them on the internet. Someone out there would want them. Cash was tight. Seemed like it might be a good idea.

“I’m ready to go,” she said.

My thoughts ended like a vinyl record scratching. This is what it sounded like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRp_mVi969I. ”Okay,” I said.

And we left.

I guess I learned that sometimes entertainment is good, if it keeps you from putting nasty things in your mouth or stealing toxic ash.

-Jay

~4 December, 2011~

On the American Dream

For my health and sanity, I have been avoiding American news.

I tell myself that until January 15, 2012, none of it applies to me. It’s all just a crazy fairy tale from across the ocean, of which Congress, Wall Street and the Tea Party are a part.

I can never fully convince myself it isn’t real. And I can’t always avoid the fairy tale.

America, I love you. Which is why it hurts to see you doing this to yourself. I came to Europe ready to go up against American stereotypes. I have made every effort to be considerate and attentive to other cultures, and most importantly, to be outgoing. Because every day, I see myself as an ambassador.

I say this without any self-righteousness.

I am honestly afraid of the America that might be waiting for me when I come home. Even if Michelle Bachmann or Rick Perry fails to win an election, the fact that they were able to get as far as they did is disconcerting. Wake up, America! Every politician puts their foot in their mouth, but you keep buying them new shoes, new suits and more undeserved airtime. Corporations are not people!

I can’t live in a country where the poor “just need to work harder”, and where people vote on the principle of “Well, I got mine, so what’s the problem?”

For any American who still believes their country is a level playing field and that success is directly proportional to work ethic, consider the following: student loan payments; sudden illness; unplanned pregnancies; layoffs; corporate corruption; and a host of other things that many people choose to ignore. But just because you’ve never been bitten, doesn’t mean there aren’t sharks in the water.

How many things will the U.S. keep insisting are up for debate? If you get sick in Europe, you get healthcare at a reasonable cost. If you get sick in the States… well, it’s easier for the government to save money if you’re dead. But socializing the health care system means “class warfare”, because billionaires might no longer be able to buy that gold-plated bidet.

For a too-large portion of the U.S., insanity has become legitimacy. At least, as long as your hand is on the Bible.

From the outside, the U.S. looks like a country where you need an inside source - someone to either give you money or perfect, unbiased wisdom. Because if you come into the American world and try to figure it out for yourself, you’re already belly-up. Unless you’re the kind of person who never ages and never gets sick. If that’s the case, you should be fine. And you’ll probably vote Republican in 2012.

-Jay

~10/1/11~